The horse ain't dead yet

While I have started to feel better physically after surgery I have kinda gone over the edge mentally. I couldn't figure out whether or not I was suicidal or grieving the losses or angry at all that had happened or a combination of all of it. I have written hate mail to the government and the oil companies, sent money to some pretty radical groups and argued with everyone, including my supervisor at work (who is a remarkable man. He used the word "odious" in a sentence. I never heard anyone do that before). I have stopped eating animal products.

This is a good way to lose weight, especially if you dislike green food.

I have road rage, shopping cart rage, and have thought about buying a gun and going into business as a hit woman (my eyesight sucks).

I want to put a bumpersticker on my car that says "fuck you" to all the tailgaters. I am sorely tempted to quarterpanel the next car that cuts in front of me, just for fun. And to see if I can do it right.

I cried about losing my cat Moonie, cried over the lost friendship with Alecia, the lost hopes of marriage and relationship, the loss of my independence, the loss of money, the fact that I am living in Derby, cried because people are mean, you name it; I was in tears about it.

I have decided that most people are beasts and I will never trust anyone again and that I don't belong to the species "Human". And wow, I haven't picked up a cigarette (not to mention a drink either)!

Nothing helps I suppose I gotta grieve and be angry and tend to my emotions which have been stuffed into "coping" mode for so long. It's gotta boil over sometime. I am glad I am in a safe place with a very forgiving person so I can go insane without consequences.

Paradoxically, the joy and energy I am starting to feel is tremendous. Work is a safe place.

I take a raft of vitamins now, my cancer was not hormone receptor positive so I take a menopause combo pill, pycnogenol, co-q10, c and e in the morning and the same at night, along with 5-htp, valerian, and occasionally melatonin to zonk me out. Every week I take a b complex. When my stomach will allow me to, I take a multi.

Hot flashes suck, they are the basis for spontaneous human combustion *pow* now I'm just an ashy little grease spot on my chair....