see, I said "right now" like I still have some hope. I desperately need to let go of hope because it keeps me afloat and all around me is this endless waste. I need to just be able to give it up and sink.
I'm sick of being ugly. I'm sick of having short gray hair and being overweight and having pseudo boobs slowly being inflated. I had my nails done, at least they look nice. I want to go out and be beautiful and dance and flirt and maybe even go home with someone. I want to turn heads again. This was me before my Year of Bad Decision Making:
and you see me over there, now -------------------------->
I went to the gym today.
this blog has nothing to do with what I really want to say.
What I really want to say is I am never going to be able to go back to the way I was. I don't know how to interface with this world inside of me. It's not pretty. People are awful, most of them. They don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. I always thought people were better than that. Even those that seem caring and nice, when you push them to the wall it disappears. I don't want to be a human being any more.
Nothing helps. I even broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes but I didn't want them. I kind of forced myself to smoke a few. Nope.
I hope there is a heaven.
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