blegh

It's really difficult to move against the depression of inertia.  For me it's better to go take a snooze, then get up and have a Take#2 morning, a 2nd chance.  Weather like we are having (hazy, humid, overcast, uncomfortable) does not help.  I am glad it's warm. 

Cold weather sends me right to hell.  I could get into global warming.  I don't live on the beach. 

Mom and K-- have not come up with the 3 pieces of paper I need from them.  I can't help the subconscious reaction that this is my failure and that I am responsible to make sure mom gets on title 19.  I was always the goat when I was young, I felt responsible for everything that went wrong.  Children do that, you know, internalize things.  It's a futile and pathetic attempt to exert some kind of logical control over a chaotic world.  Even knowing what I know, when someone I loved was battling alcoholism I felt as if it were my fault he drank.  Old habits die hard, especially when they are formed early.

So I will go hide in bed, and play bubble breaker on my pda until I fall asleep, and when I get up it will be all right.

Bernie sent me this.

 

we are water and spirit
by bernie siegel, md

one can look into a mirror and see one’s image
water reflects one’s image too
but unlike a mirror one must get close to the water
and one’s self to see your reflection
and just as water may exist as a liquid, solid or vapor
we can undergo continual transformation too
depending on our state of consciousness
we can choose to close our hearts
and become hard and cold as ice
or like ice protect and guard the life which exists beneath the surface
as a stream of water flows over and around rocks making beautiful sounds
our blood stream can flow over obstacles too
or choose to vaporize and rise above life’s difficulties
ready to fall back, when needed,
as gentle rain softening the soil of life
one day every blood stream will find its way to the endless sea of life
where you will be reborn as white crystals
which descend slowly and gently onto the frozen ground
when the world experiences a drought of love
forming a blank canvas
upon which the world can now create a work of art

Hair Story

I just colored my hair again.  It's an old box I had forgotten was in my closet.  I had hoped for the best.  I'm still not sure what color it is.  It was supposed to be a light auburn, but it seems the red has lost its strength a bit.  It's a dark reddish brown.  I don't like it. 

My sister instructed me in no uncertain terms that my hair should be a color found in nature.  My sister, Miss Conservative.  She's finally conceded she is a "summer" like me and has to wear (oh no!) blue!

 Sigh.  Tacky hair days need to come to a close.  I had hoped for something lighter though.  Maybe I'll have to take me to the hairdresser in a few weeks and have them lift the color a bit and color it lighter.  I don't look that great in summer with dark hair. 

I'm a blonde at heart.

 

You've seen this before, me in 2004.  It attracted too much attention from too many weirdos.  I finally cut it and went to this >>>>

I knew I could go red to blonde but I couldn't go blonde to red, when my hair started to grow in.  So I figured I'd start with red and it's been fun but I want my blonde back.  One thing is certain:  I am not cutting it.

I sold the Josh Groban tickets, yay.  I really didn't want to drive all that way alone.  I love his schmaltz.  But I can listen here at home.  Maybe if he ever comes to Hartford.  The Casinos are too far away to be a comfy ride.  I like convenience!!!

Oh this is fun.  The story of no hair to hair.

 

July 2005, I still had eyelashes and eyebrows.

              

 

November 2005 - pre-surgery, full of fluid, no eyelashes or brows.

Feb 2006  - Just back to work

I rather liked the "Ceasar" look

 

March 2006...sticking straight up.  Colored a weird dun.  I just wanted to color the gray.  Actually the gray was kind of nice.

              

Later Mar 2006   - got rid of the brown and went red.  A nice color. 

     

June 2006

Boat ride to Long Island, September 2006.  Like an idiot I went and had a haircut shortly afterwards.  I was 10 lbs heavier here than I am now.  In fact I've lost 30 lbs since surgery.  I guess when I look at it that way it's not so bad.

   

May 2007 - brilliant red.  Found only in rust and sunsets.

Okay now maybe I can find something to write about that's not all me me me....