blegh

It's really difficult to move against the depression of inertia.  For me it's better to go take a snooze, then get up and have a Take#2 morning, a 2nd chance.  Weather like we are having (hazy, humid, overcast, uncomfortable) does not help.  I am glad it's warm. 

Cold weather sends me right to hell.  I could get into global warming.  I don't live on the beach. 

Mom and K-- have not come up with the 3 pieces of paper I need from them.  I can't help the subconscious reaction that this is my failure and that I am responsible to make sure mom gets on title 19.  I was always the goat when I was young, I felt responsible for everything that went wrong.  Children do that, you know, internalize things.  It's a futile and pathetic attempt to exert some kind of logical control over a chaotic world.  Even knowing what I know, when someone I loved was battling alcoholism I felt as if it were my fault he drank.  Old habits die hard, especially when they are formed early.

So I will go hide in bed, and play bubble breaker on my pda until I fall asleep, and when I get up it will be all right.

Bernie sent me this.

 

we are water and spirit
by bernie siegel, md

one can look into a mirror and see one’s image
water reflects one’s image too
but unlike a mirror one must get close to the water
and one’s self to see your reflection
and just as water may exist as a liquid, solid or vapor
we can undergo continual transformation too
depending on our state of consciousness
we can choose to close our hearts
and become hard and cold as ice
or like ice protect and guard the life which exists beneath the surface
as a stream of water flows over and around rocks making beautiful sounds
our blood stream can flow over obstacles too
or choose to vaporize and rise above life’s difficulties
ready to fall back, when needed,
as gentle rain softening the soil of life
one day every blood stream will find its way to the endless sea of life
where you will be reborn as white crystals
which descend slowly and gently onto the frozen ground
when the world experiences a drought of love
forming a blank canvas
upon which the world can now create a work of art