What is a gift, really?

In his book, "Love, Medicine and Miracles" Bernie Siegel, M.D. asks his patients to ask themselves a number of probing questions. The one that caught me out was "What did you need from the cancer?"

Wow. He knows. He saw right through me, 30 years ago he knew I was going to be here with this head and this thinking.

I needed honesty and I think I got more than I wanted. It's hard to swallow. There's no going back. I feel like Neo second guessing his choice to take the red pill. blue pill. Whatever.

I got the real world, stripped of any ideals or suppositions, theories, hopes or fantasy. It is not a pretty place. I found out who my friends were and just how few they were. That was hard. I see people as they are, and I don't want to see it. It's horrible. Were my expectations really that high? Did I really think that most people are doing the best they can? Did I really think most people were interested in spiritual growth?

I have been whogging away on this thing for a couple months now and I can't get past this. The pain is endless. I can't accept this. So much hurt in this world. So much dividing people into Us and Them. I mean, aren't the natural disasters enough? Why do we need to watch eachother bleed?

What if this is all there is? What a truly awful thought. But maybe not, maybe it's a comforting thought.

I am only marginally choosing life each morning. I am not participating in any of my support groups. Not my cancer group; not my 12 step, and I don't want to try to make any new friends. I am doing brash and foolhardy things without so much as a touch of adrenaline rush. I might die. I might care. But I don't.

The only reason I don't commit suicide is because I'll be dead for most of eternity, which is a long time. So I put it off...also my cats would be really upset.

I remember watching the perfect human in the 5th Element finding out about things like war and genocide, and how it nearly destroyed her will to live, nearly killed her. Someone, somewhere, give me a reason to live.