anon

The "Girlie Spot" is on the radio every night as I drive home. Sometimes I listen. Last night callers were picking a number and they would get a difficult question to answer.

One of them was, "If you knew there was going to be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do for that week?"

I would plant a tree.

You see, this sucks above all. Hope is unsinkable and it sucks. As suicidal and miserable as I get there's this part of me that is insane and thinks it will get better. Hope and Honesty don't live well together in the same house. I feel fractured, completely lacking in integrity with regard to my regard of this Life.

My head tells me there is no point whatever to this life and the rest of me keeps plugging along like the little engine that could.

I dressed very nicely today. I put on makeup. I filled the tank with liquid gold. I was on time to work. I did the best I could. The continuo was I am sad I am sad I am sad so many i loved are gone and i miss them and it hurts and i want to cry ahhhhhh too much love really will kill you. I smiled and nodded and was pleasant.

I called the plastic surgeon's office to find out how much liposuction costs and to find out how long I will be sidelined by reconstruction surgery. Can't find out til monday, doctor is out, assistant is out. I am thinking of the lipo because I think it really is better to look marvelous than to feel marvelous. Everything hurts, so it might as well look good.

German is downstairs watching a movie. I am glad he is out with his arm in a sling for a few more weeks because that means he won't let me stare at my navel for too long. Who am I kidding. I can't see my navel any more