Okay folks, I am sorry.
I'm very weirded out. I don't trust my own judgment. I don't want to die. I just want to feel free and comfortable. I've made a mess of things where I worked which is probably just as well as I hate it there. I get so angry when I feel helpless.
German will support me as I attempt to secure ssdi. I am so worried about income.
I think of things like medical benefits and all that and get very frightened. I have at least 2 more surgeries coming up. I suppose I could make it one.
The alternative is to continue working here and there, and doing my best. Problem is I get truly depressed after a short while. I feel awful about that. I want to be tougher and not let things get to me. I go along and think I am okay and then something happens and I dissolve into a nervous, depressed mess again.
I don't want to give up my dream of owning a home of my own. I don't want to have to give up my car.
My doctor doesn't seem to be helping me much. Living with German may actually be hurting me, inner-strength-wise. I was at my happiest living alone in WH and paying my own way. Then I moved to another cute little place farther north in CT and i was happy there. Problem is I was heavily in debt. Hmmm. Dad bailed me out and I promptly piled a bunch more on my head...
My troubles started, of course, with a man. I flew without a net. I let him move me in with him and left my job. When he got bowled over by unresolved and ungrieved grief, I became invisible and so began my journey into hell. I had to disentangle myself from that, and like the song, it only hurt when I breathed. Then I got hit with the cancer dx and my friend tossed me out on my ear -- again I had found my own place and I should have taken it. I wound up here. A safe little place. I declared bankruptcy before the laws changed and am now solvent. I have some money.
I want to say, if German didn't care one way or the other I'd move out. I am staying primarily to not hurt his feelings. They say the truth shall set you free. I'm still scared of examining this.
Now I have put myself in a position where I can't move in exchange for possibly not having to work.
(as I write this Aida is on top of my open file drawer literally rifling through my file folders, silly thing).
The big question I have is, can I work? Can I go out there and hold onto a job for more than a year without bolting in tears and resentment? I don't know. I'm a poor judge.
Please disregard the following.
preferred suicide methods to date. i would have to spend all my money first, and that would take at least a couple weeks during which time i might end up on a locked ward. one can hope.
the ever popular "line up all the pills and take them trying not to puke." This has a tendency to fail. the hangover must really suck, big time.
plastic bag around my head, duct tape sealing it around my neck. just go unconscious, never wake up. note to self: wear a diaper.
self-electrocution. not sure how i'd do this. would need to research. probably painful but wow.
cutting the veins in the wrists. sliced longwise, but it hurts like a sonofabitch. accidentally cut myself there once washing some dishes in a porcelain sink. ouch.
the tedious routine of getting a cannister of carbon monoxide, a mask, warning signs and a safe place (for other people and animals) to carry it out.
I'm not into guns, having heard of the guy who tried to blow himself to death by eating a gun, but succeeded only in removing a large portion of his skull and some of his brain, and living. Oh and his lower jaw ws gone too.
The biggest hurdle is the kitties. They love me dearly. I'm their mommy and they live for "mommy's home."
they denied my disability claim becasue my fuckup doctor took his sweetass time getting them any paperwork. he may be fired. i may be fired. i fucking hate those people.
i might not have to suicide. one of the test for cancer recurrence came back elevated. might be due to smoking a little but we will see.
I just started a new blogring for HSPs over the age of 40 (or close, if you're close to 40 that's ok too). It's over at Xanga. I spend a lot of time on that blog. Think of it as a cozy living room with a warm fire, hot cocoa, flavored coffees, special tea. Big ol comfy couches. Blueberry scones with butter, fruit, and if you need a special diet, we can do the gluten free thing too.
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In all seriousness: I am afraid of not-being. I think that is my greatest fear. I think there is a possibility I could cease to exist, or that I never did really exist. These past 2 or 3 weeks I have been paralyzed and doing next to nothing. Then I'll have a couple days of frantic activity, then I'll spend some days in bed again. I am always frightened. Always sure something bad is going to happen. I think it just got so drilled into me that I was no good and I was going to get in trouble, or I'd be blamed for what others had done wrong that I just can't go into any situation where I am subject to ANY kind of judgement, no matter how mild. I spit on your judgment, pah! Fuck you and your summation of my 4 million years of evolution! Yep, totally out to lunch.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Currently ReadingGirl, InterruptedBy Susanna Kaysensee related
Sun Apr 15
Dream:
Firstly, I could fly. This happens rarely in my dreams. It used to happen every single night I drank, and has only happened in the last 12 years when I have been exposed to the possibility of death.
I did go to sleep thinking I'd have to make a serious stab at suicide hahaha in order to get ssdi. hey that alone qualifies me i think.
anyway, in the dream (very broken up, scene-wise) i was charged with blessing and protecting an area where i lived. i had a little black kitten and i had to make sure he stayed inside the blessed area. i was flying way up, then down, around buildings....it was all very serious.
then in another scene my mother and sister and i were travelling in a very beautiful and rural area of connecticut where i had once lived. i was weeping that it was being all built up; it looked like a city now.
and finally i was told i must come along with some other witches/protectors, just drop everything, and get into a great big RV like vehicle. i went in and sat in what i thought was the room where all of us were supposed to go. there was a man on a cot who'd had both legs blown off and he looked like a stick. there was another, somewhat elderly man, sitting in a recliner. i asked them a question and neither one responded to me. they just looked at me. I left the room and found the other people.
the man in charge of the operation was very grim, and said i must have gone to the source of the evil somehow. he brought me back to the first room and asked if i had been in here and i said yes. it was empty. he asked me what i had seen. i told him about the man with his legs blown off and the other man. apparently they were ghosts. i blessed the room with sage, apparently not touched by the evil the others were worried about.
it stayed with me so i know i was supposed to remember it.
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Sat Apr 14
the morning glories are blooming. inside. in their little temporary peat pots i looked away for a second and they all intertwined with one another, which will make planting them oh so much more fun. we're due for some good heavy rain and winds tonight. after that the weather forecast has little snowflake icons. after that though, hopefully I can put some of them outside to harden off. If they end up in the ground I will cover them with plastic dixie cups or even glasses to protect them from the cold. i think they will make it though.
TonightRainLikelyLo 36°F
SundayHeavyRainHi 40°F
SundayNightRainLo 37°F
MondayRainLikelyHi 44°F
MondayNightRainLikelyLo 35°F
TuesdayChanceRainHi 45°F
TuesdayNightChanceRainLo 37°F
WednesdayChanceRainHi 49°F
WednesdayNightPartly
Looks pretty wet.
I sprinkled gypsum under the leyland cypress and worked it into the acid soil with one of those claw-on-a-stick gadgets, put bone meal around the bulbs, poor things, and put down some flower food in preparation for planting and subsequent mulching. The rains tonight and tomorrow should soak it all in. Got me groceries (I swear I will do something with the asparagus, pesto and sun dried tomatoes within 24 hours!!! I promise!!! ), and have been more or less hiding in bed since. The phone is off. I have no cellphone. whohoo. unreachable.
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oh yeah, almost forgot. I got 2 pair of glasses ordered today. they should take about a week. i'm so 'cited. they're way fun. my sister the fashionista police-ta is going to have a canary. One pair is purple titanium on the outside, tangerine on the inside. The other is tortie but with little gadgety things on the sides. she was too lazy to get there with me so hey, she gets to complain about them for the next year or two until I do it again. mucho dinero but i am going to live in them so....i get the ones i like.
these are plastic. the ones i got ar metal
| Your Deadly Sins |
 Wrath: 80% Pride: 40% |
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Friday, April 13, 2007
Went to the oncologist today. I've been building up a dreadful fear of recurrence, or metastasis. So many I know have put cancer behind them only to see it appear as a blip on an mri of their sternum or hip, or lung or liver. Had blood taken, made my next 3 month appt and then off to the Butt End of CT to take mom to her new shrink.
She's crazy as a bedbug. But only on certain things. Nothin' wrong with her memory, no sir. Except the parts that got made up. She's so much calmer though. She's been having the equivalent of a one-year-long temper tantrum. I really do think its supressed rage in part at...
breast cancer and treatment (lumpectomy + cmf + tamoxifen) followed by 2 heart attacks with the implant of a defibrillator followed by a diabetes diagnosis followed uterine cancer and treatment (hysterectomy and radiation) causing bleeding from the bowels and bladder followed by a staph-infected defibrillator lead, removal of which caused major bleeding and resulted in open heart surgery (we almost lost her) followed by triple bypass surgery, the addition of a new tricuspid valve and the repair of a congenital heart defect (small hole). She is in congestive heart failure. She has stents in her kidneys that must be replaced every three months. She is on oxygen. She has continual UTIs. She has restless legs that keep her up all night. her doctors put her on elavil at one point which caused a full blown pseudo-manic episode replete with 3 dimensional hallucinations having conversations with her. She had to fight with them constantly to get the cinamet (sp?) and neurontin to calm her legs down. all of this happened between 1998 and 2002. She can no longer drive or walk well. Her balance is shot.
I'd be pissed too.
NE healthcare sent over a nurse to do an Eval. Needless to say it took a long time. I walked her out and said "fixed delusions, cherry-picks her meds even when they are all sorted out for her and completely noncompliant with her diet. She roars through every carbohydrate in sight." Nuff said.
But, she is the sweetie she used to be, even if she thinks Gays and Jews caused all her problems and that her doctors were too wrapped up in being Jewish to be doctors, you know what they do to you, wink wink nudge nudge. Sigh.
I stopped at my favorite buffet and had chinese sushi (grins) anyway I like the wasabi. Now I am going to get in bed and never, ever get out.
We are to have a nor 'easter this sunday which will "rearrange the coastline" according to one of my favorite radio stations out on Long Island. I hope he's given to hyperbole.
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