Eeek, Alone!

I took G to the limo this morning for his trip to Ecuador.

I couldn't wait for him to go and now I am panicking.  He's my mommy figure!!!  I feel like a lost duckling.

One thing I have learned is to move a muscle, change a thought.  So I read some of my AA online group.  Amazing how a half hour of that calmed me down a LOT.  And I will hit a meeting tonight.

I also wrote to Bernie Siegel, author of Love, Medicine and Miracles, and asked if I could rejoin his ECaP group (Exceptional Cancer Patients).  I had not been able to due to my work schedule.  I don't have one of those any more so I am free to persue that.

I will also investigate volunteering as a "goodwill ambassador" at one of the hospitals locally, or perhaps at the hospice in Branford.  That's kind of a haul though. 

I did get outside and get some sun.  I divided the peonies, the liatris are coming back up and the hydrangea and ornamental grasses are showing signs of life, finally.  A pussywillow plant cutting I put in a pot is growing, so I will transplant that too.  One way or the other I will have a garden!!!

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Think on This ...

Keep it [your soul] then in patience, in love, in gentleness, in kindness . . . For these are indeed the fruits of the spirit . . . And remember, a kindness sometimes consists in denying as well as granting those activities in associations with thy fellow man.

Edgar Cayce Reading 5322-1

Become part of the legacy.

Earth Day 2007

Yahoo has a feature called Launchcast music which basically allows you to program your own radio station by rating music. Every so often they throw something in there that I absolutely would never play, but after a couple of years of rating artists and songs, I get to sit here to what I consider to be a succession of beautiful, transcendent and serene pieces. I wish I could take it with me. No ads.

Here I sit listening to Tears Alone, by Douglas Spotted Eagle...a thoughtful, pensive tune with lots of silence in between the flute notes. Then Windsurfer by Teia Bell. And so on. It's dark. It's finally warm out. My cat is on the chair next to me. As it is Sunday night, there are few passing cars. Big sigh.

Today (or, rather yesterday ) was Earth Day. I didn't know it until G came outside to tell me. I was already playing in the garden. I took all those damned seedlings outside and planted them. They'll make it or they won't. Lupine, dill, parsley, tomatoes, moonflowers, morning glories (they are really mad at me), lillies of the valley, coneflowers, zinnias and I think that was it. I had to unearth a couple of watermelon-sized rocks and move them. My nails are a mess.




History Of Earth Day
On April 22, 1970, Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin started an environmental revolution. Nelson held the first Earth Day celebration in which 20 million people participated in awareness raising activities that would become the country's first organized activity for the environment. The events of that day have had a permanent impact on public opinion regarding the importance of the environment. Every April 22nd has officially been deemed Earth Day and each year rallies and demonstrations are held to educate and inform the public about our precious natural resources. To learn more, read "How the First Earth Day Came About" by Senator Gaylord Nelson.

Earth Day Home Page

My butt muscles have apparently not been getting an appropriate workout. This may be one reason I have not been losing weight. They are the largest muscle in the human body, which means they consume more calories if they are being used. I plan to use them some more. Right now they don't want to be used at all, and they are complaining. In addition, the back of my thighs are also in exquisite pain. The good kind of pain. The kind that says, "Quit whining and do ten more squats, you wuss!"

Edgar Cayce Reading

Know that it is not all just to live--not all just to be good, but good for something; that ye may fulfill that purpose for which ye have entered this experience.

Edgar Cayce Reading 2030-1

Become part of the legacy.


Greenpeace Rammed by Japanese Whaling Vessel Nisshin Maru

Read The Blog Forum about Global Warming
In Other News, Jon Steward pretty firmly nails down that Alberto Gonzalez is either an idiot or a liar

Nature Photography

The Call
Social Security called me at five of 11 this morning. We got off the phone just shy of 1 pm. I had all the names and addresses of my doctors going back nearly 20 years, and employers too. I had lots of medical records. Now the wait.
Strangely, I feel so much calmer now that that is behind me. It's one more step I've taken away from that soul-sucking machine I worked at.
It's hard to walk away from the Great Corporate Teat that dispenses not only a good salary but excellent health benefits, 401k and profit sharing, chunky bonuses and tremendous potential for advancement. The price would have been my life, and it was sapping life from me all day every day. It was already taking most of my sanity. I can't call it worker's comp because all they have to do is point to the thousands of "happily employed" call center workers. Precious few of whom like their job.
I don't mind working but I just don't work well with others. And I am sorry if you feel it unreasonable; this is a personal defect but its a rich vein that runs through my being: Don't tell me what to do. Don't nitpick and criticize me. It's a cardinal trait. I had no respect for my parents and at a certain point realized they were horrible role models. If you can't trust the people whose genes you carry, from whose bodies you came, whom can you trust? Three guesses, and the first two don't count. NO ONE.
I went for a 3.5 mile walk along the naugatuck river near where it joins the housatonic. It flooded up pretty well recently. See all the leaves and garbage still clinging to the fence? I started to get skeeved out. Global Warming may be a moot point. We might poison ourselves first.



Mmmmm wonder if it churned up all those pcbs lurking on the bottom. The naugatuck has been a dumping ground for decades, if not centuries. Everything from Thomaston down to the shore pumped all their wasted into it for a long, long time. I'll be willing to bet most folks were on well and septic for a lot of those years. It would explain some things.

I did have some phun wif de camera, and the photo editing software....so...




Last Year's Seeds




Where the walkway snakes around under routes 34/8


This is my favorite photo of the day. The original is quite large.




I thought this track was abandoned. Climbed up to get some pics. A few moments later a train ambled past.




I love abandoned brick buildings and their hollow, mysterious windows.



That's all for today!!!!

Cancer Patients Using Veterinary Medicines

Because they work and because Big Pharma can't make a lot of money on it, the following has appeared in Oncology News

Patients Using Unapproved Cancer Agent



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OTTAWA, Canada—University of Alberta researchers, led by Evangelos Michelakis, MD, have shown that dichloroacetate (DCA), added to the drinking water of nude athymic rats implanted with human lung cancer cells (A549), significantly reduced tumor size, compared with controls, and was associated with increased apoptosis and decreased proliferation. Further, there were no toxic effects, as measured by several blood tests (Cancer Cell 11:37-51, 2007).


DCA, a small molecule that targets mitochondria, has long been used to treat lactic acidosis and inherited mitochondrial diseases, but is not FDA approved. It appears to work in cancer by reactivating the mitochondria of cancer cells, thus inducing apoptosis. Because its structure cannot be patented, DCA has not attracted commercial development. But it has attracted the attention of cancer patients. According to Nature (March 29, 2007, p. 474), Jim Tassano and a chemist friend synthesized the compound and are selling it via the web (labeled for veterinary use). Another website (thedcasite.com) provides patients with information on DCA and a place to report their results. "Any way you look at this, it's a negative development," said Dr. Michelakis. His group is planning a clinical trial despite lack of industry support.

April 2007 • Volume 16 Number 4

Spiritual Law

Think on This ...

For, the error that man makes is the more oft against himself than making for the breaking of law as related to divine influence in the experience. For, love is law--law is love, in its essence. And with the breaking of the law is the making of the necessity for atonement and forgiveness, in that which may take away error to or what has been brought in the experience of the individual.

Edgar Cayce Reading 262-45

Nothin goin on but...

I do my little routine in the morning: feed the cats, get the coffee, drink the coffee, read the email, check out my blogspot, my xanga and myspace (xanga gets most of my attention lately).

Today I had a place to go; a dr's appointment. I need them to shove a tube down my nose to see if my esophagus is, as I have told them, unhappy or possibly precancerous.

Upon returning home I am overwhelmed with anxiety about nothing in particular. It's as if I am afraid of not-being. I have an appointment with my shrinker today and I am fighting the urge to take an I-don't-care pill because I want to show him how I get.

I am applying for ssdi and there is no way I can work during that time. I am so worried about money. I suppose I could do a tag sale. I could sell crap on ebay. I couldn't give this body away so selling that's out of the question >snerk<

Gonna have an Endoscopy on the 27th. On the 30th I go for implant swaps. Can't decide if I want to proceed with that or just have the plastic surgeon fix the flaps of skin under my arms and just let the rest go. Man, I have almost 2 hours to go before Dr. A. German's home. I'll go pester him.

Update

Monday, April 16, 2007
Okay folks, I am sorry.
I'm very weirded out. I don't trust my own judgment. I don't want to die. I just want to feel free and comfortable. I've made a mess of things where I worked which is probably just as well as I hate it there. I get so angry when I feel helpless.
German will support me as I attempt to secure ssdi. I am so worried about income.
I think of things like medical benefits and all that and get very frightened. I have at least 2 more surgeries coming up. I suppose I could make it one.
The alternative is to continue working here and there, and doing my best. Problem is I get truly depressed after a short while. I feel awful about that. I want to be tougher and not let things get to me. I go along and think I am okay and then something happens and I dissolve into a nervous, depressed mess again.
I don't want to give up my dream of owning a home of my own. I don't want to have to give up my car.
My doctor doesn't seem to be helping me much. Living with German may actually be hurting me, inner-strength-wise. I was at my happiest living alone in WH and paying my own way. Then I moved to another cute little place farther north in CT and i was happy there. Problem is I was heavily in debt. Hmmm. Dad bailed me out and I promptly piled a bunch more on my head...
My troubles started, of course, with a man. I flew without a net. I let him move me in with him and left my job. When he got bowled over by unresolved and ungrieved grief, I became invisible and so began my journey into hell. I had to disentangle myself from that, and like the song, it only hurt when I breathed. Then I got hit with the cancer dx and my friend tossed me out on my ear -- again I had found my own place and I should have taken it. I wound up here. A safe little place. I declared bankruptcy before the laws changed and am now solvent. I have some money.
I want to say, if German didn't care one way or the other I'd move out. I am staying primarily to not hurt his feelings. They say the truth shall set you free. I'm still scared of examining this.
Now I have put myself in a position where I can't move in exchange for possibly not having to work.
(as I write this Aida is on top of my open file drawer literally rifling through my file folders, silly thing).
The big question I have is, can I work? Can I go out there and hold onto a job for more than a year without bolting in tears and resentment? I don't know. I'm a poor judge.

Please disregard the following.

preferred suicide methods to date. i would have to spend all my money first, and that would take at least a couple weeks during which time i might end up on a locked ward. one can hope.
the ever popular "line up all the pills and take them trying not to puke." This has a tendency to fail. the hangover must really suck, big time.
plastic bag around my head, duct tape sealing it around my neck. just go unconscious, never wake up. note to self: wear a diaper.
self-electrocution. not sure how i'd do this. would need to research. probably painful but wow.
cutting the veins in the wrists. sliced longwise, but it hurts like a sonofabitch. accidentally cut myself there once washing some dishes in a porcelain sink. ouch.
the tedious routine of getting a cannister of carbon monoxide, a mask, warning signs and a safe place (for other people and animals) to carry it out.
I'm not into guns, having heard of the guy who tried to blow himself to death by eating a gun, but succeeded only in removing a large portion of his skull and some of his brain, and living. Oh and his lower jaw ws gone too.
The biggest hurdle is the kitties. They love me dearly. I'm their mommy and they live for "mommy's home."
they denied my disability claim becasue my fuckup doctor took his sweetass time getting them any paperwork. he may be fired. i may be fired. i fucking hate those people.
i might not have to suicide. one of the test for cancer recurrence came back elevated. might be due to smoking a little but we will see.


I just started a new blogring for HSPs over the age of 40 (or close, if you're close to 40 that's ok too). It's over at Xanga. I spend a lot of time on that blog. Think of it as a cozy living room with a warm fire, hot cocoa, flavored coffees, special tea. Big ol comfy couches. Blueberry scones with butter, fruit, and if you need a special diet, we can do the gluten free thing too.
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In all seriousness: I am afraid of not-being. I think that is my greatest fear. I think there is a possibility I could cease to exist, or that I never did really exist. These past 2 or 3 weeks I have been paralyzed and doing next to nothing. Then I'll have a couple days of frantic activity, then I'll spend some days in bed again. I am always frightened. Always sure something bad is going to happen. I think it just got so drilled into me that I was no good and I was going to get in trouble, or I'd be blamed for what others had done wrong that I just can't go into any situation where I am subject to ANY kind of judgement, no matter how mild. I spit on your judgment, pah! Fuck you and your summation of my 4 million years of evolution! Yep, totally out to lunch.


Sunday, April 15, 2007

Currently ReadingGirl, InterruptedBy Susanna Kaysensee related

Sun Apr 15
Dream:
Firstly, I could fly. This happens rarely in my dreams. It used to happen every single night I drank, and has only happened in the last 12 years when I have been exposed to the possibility of death.
I did go to sleep thinking I'd have to make a serious stab at suicide hahaha in order to get ssdi. hey that alone qualifies me i think.
anyway, in the dream (very broken up, scene-wise) i was charged with blessing and protecting an area where i lived. i had a little black kitten and i had to make sure he stayed inside the blessed area. i was flying way up, then down, around buildings....it was all very serious.
then in another scene my mother and sister and i were travelling in a very beautiful and rural area of connecticut where i had once lived. i was weeping that it was being all built up; it looked like a city now.
and finally i was told i must come along with some other witches/protectors, just drop everything, and get into a great big RV like vehicle. i went in and sat in what i thought was the room where all of us were supposed to go. there was a man on a cot who'd had both legs blown off and he looked like a stick. there was another, somewhat elderly man, sitting in a recliner. i asked them a question and neither one responded to me. they just looked at me. I left the room and found the other people.
the man in charge of the operation was very grim, and said i must have gone to the source of the evil somehow. he brought me back to the first room and asked if i had been in here and i said yes. it was empty. he asked me what i had seen. i told him about the man with his legs blown off and the other man. apparently they were ghosts. i blessed the room with sage, apparently not touched by the evil the others were worried about.
it stayed with me so i know i was supposed to remember it.
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Sat Apr 14
the morning glories are blooming. inside. in their little temporary peat pots i looked away for a second and they all intertwined with one another, which will make planting them oh so much more fun. we're due for some good heavy rain and winds tonight. after that the weather forecast has little snowflake icons. after that though, hopefully I can put some of them outside to harden off. If they end up in the ground I will cover them with plastic dixie cups or even glasses to protect them from the cold. i think they will make it though.
TonightRainLikelyLo 36°F
SundayHeavyRainHi 40°F
SundayNightRainLo 37°F
MondayRainLikelyHi 44°F
MondayNightRainLikelyLo 35°F
TuesdayChanceRainHi 45°F
TuesdayNightChanceRainLo 37°F
WednesdayChanceRainHi 49°F
WednesdayNightPartly

Looks pretty wet.
I sprinkled gypsum under the leyland cypress and worked it into the acid soil with one of those claw-on-a-stick gadgets, put bone meal around the bulbs, poor things, and put down some flower food in preparation for planting and subsequent mulching. The rains tonight and tomorrow should soak it all in. Got me groceries (I swear I will do something with the asparagus, pesto and sun dried tomatoes within 24 hours!!! I promise!!! ), and have been more or less hiding in bed since. The phone is off. I have no cellphone. whohoo. unreachable.
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oh yeah, almost forgot. I got 2 pair of glasses ordered today. they should take about a week. i'm so 'cited. they're way fun. my sister the fashionista police-ta is going to have a canary. One pair is purple titanium on the outside, tangerine on the inside. The other is tortie but with little gadgety things on the sides. she was too lazy to get there with me so hey, she gets to complain about them for the next year or two until I do it again. mucho dinero but i am going to live in them so....i get the ones i like.
these are plastic. the ones i got ar metal

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 80% Envy: 60% Sloth: 60% Lust: 40% Pride: 40% Greed: 20% Gluttony: 0% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 43% You will die, after conquering the world as an evil dictator.

How Sinful Are You?

 

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Friday, April 13, 2007
Went to the oncologist today. I've been building up a dreadful fear of recurrence, or metastasis. So many I know have put cancer behind them only to see it appear as a blip on an mri of their sternum or hip, or lung or liver. Had blood taken, made my next 3 month appt and then off to the Butt End of CT to take mom to her new shrink.
She's crazy as a bedbug. But only on certain things. Nothin' wrong with her memory, no sir. Except the parts that got made up. She's so much calmer though. She's been having the equivalent of a one-year-long temper tantrum. I really do think its supressed rage in part at...
breast cancer and treatment (lumpectomy + cmf + tamoxifen) followed by 2 heart attacks with the implant of a defibrillator followed by a diabetes diagnosis followed uterine cancer and treatment (hysterectomy and radiation) causing bleeding from the bowels and bladder followed by a staph-infected defibrillator lead, removal of which caused major bleeding and resulted in open heart surgery (we almost lost her) followed by triple bypass surgery, the addition of a new tricuspid valve and the repair of a congenital heart defect (small hole). She is in congestive heart failure. She has stents in her kidneys that must be replaced every three months. She is on oxygen. She has continual UTIs. She has restless legs that keep her up all night. her doctors put her on elavil at one point which caused a full blown pseudo-manic episode replete with 3 dimensional hallucinations having conversations with her. She had to fight with them constantly to get the cinamet (sp?) and neurontin to calm her legs down. all of this happened between 1998 and 2002. She can no longer drive or walk well. Her balance is shot.
I'd be pissed too.
NE healthcare sent over a nurse to do an Eval. Needless to say it took a long time. I walked her out and said "fixed delusions, cherry-picks her meds even when they are all sorted out for her and completely noncompliant with her diet. She roars through every carbohydrate in sight." Nuff said.
But, she is the sweetie she used to be, even if she thinks Gays and Jews caused all her problems and that her doctors were too wrapped up in being Jewish to be doctors, you know what they do to you, wink wink nudge nudge. Sigh.
I stopped at my favorite buffet and had chinese sushi (grins) anyway I like the wasabi. Now I am going to get in bed and never, ever get out.
We are to have a nor 'easter this sunday which will "rearrange the coastline" according to one of my favorite radio stations out on Long Island. I hope he's given to hyperbole.
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