Cooler Heads = Warmer Climate

Sunday, May 20, 2007
Cooler Heads = Warmer Globe
Update/Edit: See http://www.xanga.com/bartoncii/592088342/item.html for more info on funding of the groups mentioned below, Bartoncii's blog. He also has a wonderful story to tell about the different types of nuclear energy and their history. It can never hurt to have more information.
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I went surfing today, as I often do, to see what I could see.
http://www.globalwarming.org/ was an interesting site. I became concerned when I read yesterday's entry:
"May 18, 2007
Scientifically Incorrect Statements in IPCC WGI
Prof. Roger Pileke Sr, Climate Science weblog, May 18 2007
Prof Roger Pielke Sr, a climatologist at the University of Colorado, identifies two scientifically incorrect statements in the report of Working Group I (The Scientific Basis) of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. In particular, he says of the claim that predicting climate is easier than predicting weather is "such an absurd, scientifically unsupported claim, that the media and any scientists who swallow this conclusion are either blind to the scientific understanding of the climate system, or have other motives to promote the IPCC viewpoint."
So I did a little digging.
This gentleman, Andrew Dessler, is an associate professor in the Dept. of Atmospheric Sciences at Texas A&M University. His research focuses on the physics of climate change. He has a blog which has directly engaged Mr. Pileke and others
http://sciencepoliticsclimatechange.blogspot.com/2006/08/ipcc.html
regarding the science - and politics - of global warming. I expect to be spending some time there in the near future.
Globalwarming.org is is a project of the Cooler Heads Coalition, a sub-group of the National Consumer Coalition.

Now, I had extreme difficulty finding a website for the National Consumer Coalition. I'm still looking. According to the CHC:

"The NCC is coordinated by Fran Smith, Consumer Alert's executive director, and the NCC's issue work is done by its sub-groups of which three have already formed. Each sub-group focuses on a specific issue, such as internet privacy, global climate change, and health care"
I found that Myron Ebell, director of global warming and international environmental policy at the Competitive Enterprise Institute, is the Cooler Heads group leader.

Well Whaddya know!

This feeds neatly into a previous entry of mine, The Cooler Heads Coalition Members are as below, and And if you go here: http://www.exxonmobil.com/Corporate/Files/Corporate/gcr_contributions_public06.pdf you will see which of them received money from Exxon and other Conflict-of-Interest groups

• Alexis de Tocqueville Institution
• Americans for Tax Reform - Receives funding from
  Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation
  Carthage Foundation; see Scaife Foundations
  JM Foundation
  John M. Olin Foundation
  Sarah Scaife Foundation; (see Scaife Foundations : Fortune founded on Gulf Oil but now under the auspices of Jennie Scaife has gone somewhat more moderate in its giving)
  R.J. Reynolds (tobacco)
  Philip Morris (tobacco)
  Tobacco Institute (speaks for itself)
  Jack Abramoff's clients, the Chiefs of the Kickapoo Traditional Tribe of Texas and the Coushattas tribe of Louisiana both gave $25,000 in 2001 and according to SOURCEWATCH, AATF received a cut of funds for laundering the money
• American Legislative Exchange Council = $56,000.00 in 2006 from ExxonMobil
• American PolicyCenter - think tank run by Tom DeWeese.
• Association of Concerned Taxpayers
• Center for Security Policy - (Boeing, Lockheed-Martin contributors in 2002)
• Citizens for a Sound Economy - Founded by Koch Industries: According to Media Transparency, between 1985 and 2002, CSEF received $16,928,712 in 108 separate grants from only twelve foundations:

Castle Rock Foundation

Earhart Foundation

JM Foundation

Koch Family Foundations (David H. Koch Foundation, Charles G. Koch Foundation, Claude
R. Lambe Foundation)

John M. Olin Foundation, Inc.

Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation

Philip M. McKenna Foundation,
Inc.

Scaife Foundations (Scaife Family, Sarah Mellon Scaife, Carthage) [17]
In 2002, CSEF gained $920,000 in grants from three of
these foundations, accounting for a little under one-quarter of the
organisation's revenue. The Claude R. Lambe Foundation was the most generous
contributing $700,000 for general operating costs while the Scaife Foundation
donated $175,000 and the John M. Olin Foundation $45,000.
Other CSE funders
(not included in above funding total) have included:

Archer Daniels Midland

Daimler Chrysler ($25,000)

Enron (oil pipeline? Afghanistan?)

General Electric

Koch Industries

F.M. Kirby Foundation

Philip Morris (>$1 million)

U.S. West ($1 million)

ExxonMobil ($75,000)

Exxon ($175,000)

Hertz ($25,000)

Microsoft ($380,000)

U.S. Sugar Corp. ($280,000)

• Committee for a Constructive Tomorrow = $70,000.00 in 2006 from ExxonMobil
• Competitive Enterprise Institute - In response to an inquiry from the Guardian, Exxon announced that the company “stopped funding the Competitive Enterprise Institute this year.” (source, Media Transparency)
• Consumer Alert - Consumer Alert received about $10,000 from the food industry in 2000. (Frances Smith of Consumer Alert spoke at FDA Consumer Roundtable, December 13, 2000)
  Funded by such companies as Chevron, Eli Lilly and Philip Morris. [The Observer, by Cockburn & Silverstein, 5/26/96]
  Funding from Philip Morris, American Cyanamid, Exxon, Eli Lilly, Elanco, Pfizer, Anheuser, Busch, Coors, and Chevron. Corporations provide more than 60% of the group's funding. [Health News & Review, 6/22/93]
  ExxonMobil issued grants of $25,000 in 2003 and 2004
• Fraser Institute, Canada
• Frontiers of Freedom = $140,000.00 in 2005 and $180,000 in 2006 from ExxonMobil (source for 2005 info: http://www.environmentaldefense.org/)
• George C. Marshall Institute = $115,000.00 in 2005 & $85,000 in 2006 from ExxonMobil (source for 2005 info: http://www.environmentaldefense.org/)
• Heartland Institute (when are they going to learn that name sends a chill down one's spine?) = 119,000.00 in 2005 & $115,000.00 in 2006 from ExxonMobil (source for 2005 info: http://www.environmentaldefense.org/)
• Independent Institute [Independent Institute has received $70,000 from ExxonMobil since 1998. 1998$10,000 ExxonMobil Corporate GivingSource: ExxonMobil 1998 grants list...2000$5,000 ExxonMobil Foundationgeneral supportSource: ExxonMobil Foundation 2000 IRS 990. ...2001$5,000 ExxonMobil FoundationSource: ExxonMobil 2001 Annual Report....2002$10,000 ExxonMobil FoundationSource: ExxonMobil 2002 Annual Report....2003$10,000 ExxonMobil FoundationSource: ExxonMobil 2003 Corporate Giving Report....2005$30,000 ExxonMobil FoundationSource: ExxonMobil 2005 DIMENSIONS Report (Corporate Giving)
• Instituto Bruno Leoni, Italy
• Junkscience.com*
• National Center for Policy Analysis = $75,000.00 in 2006 from ExxonMobil
• National Center for Public Policy Research = $55,000.00 in 2006 from ExxonMobil
• Pacific Research Institute = $75,000.00 in 2006 from ExxonMobil
• Seniors Coalition (financial information page HERE)
• 60 Plus Association According to their website: "The 60 Plus Association is a non-partisan seniors advocacy group with a free enterprise, less government, less taxes approach to seniors issues. 60 Plus has set ending the federal estate tax and saving Social Security for the young as its top priorities. 60 Plus is often viewed as the conservative alternative to the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). "
• Small Business Survival Committee - Received $40,000.00 in from Philip Morris. According to Sourcewatch "On the SBSC's "Issues Analysis" webpage, http://www.sbsc.org/SbscIssues.asp , in the "Energy and the Environment" menu, one can find an assortment af articles attacking environmental laws, regulations and proposals. Subjects covered include global warming, mercury, air pollution, the Endangered Species Act, MTBE, and CAFE standards. These articles promote free market solutions, criticize the "bad science" in environmentalists' claims about mercury and global warming, promote SUVs, and support the House Republican energy plan."
  
  

*JunkScience.com, a supposedly defunct organization run by Steve Milloy which gets its own little blurb, below which received a LOT of money from ExxonMobil over the years. Mr. Milloy begs for donations on his site. It's not clear exactly what he does with the money. I'll get back to you on that.

According to Sourcewatch, "In October 2006, two US Senators, Olympia Snowe, (R-Maine), and Jay Rockefeller, (D-W.Va.) wrote to ExxonMobil's chairman and CEO Rex Tillerson, asking that it "end any further financial assistance" to groups "whose public advocacy has contributed to the small but unfortunately effective climate change denial myth." The Senators singled out the Competitive Enterprise Institute and TechCentralStation as such groups.

They wrote that "we are convinced that ExxonMobil's long-standing support of a small cadre of global climate change skeptics, and those skeptics' access to and influence on government policymakers, have made it increasingly difficult for the United States to demonstrate the moral clarity it needs across all facets of its diplomacy."

You can read the ABC News Report HERE or cut and paste the following link:
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=2612021&page=1

So, folks, if you see a site that seems biased one way or the other, check out the funding. To be fair, I am going to check out the funding of the groups that say that Global Warming is real, is now, and can be catastrophic if action is not taken on a global scale starting NOW. Talk to y'all later!

ok I'm tired of futzing with the layers and layers of html this thing uses. Whatever.

Eeek, Alone!

I took G to the limo this morning for his trip to Ecuador.

I couldn't wait for him to go and now I am panicking.  He's my mommy figure!!!  I feel like a lost duckling.

One thing I have learned is to move a muscle, change a thought.  So I read some of my AA online group.  Amazing how a half hour of that calmed me down a LOT.  And I will hit a meeting tonight.

I also wrote to Bernie Siegel, author of Love, Medicine and Miracles, and asked if I could rejoin his ECaP group (Exceptional Cancer Patients).  I had not been able to due to my work schedule.  I don't have one of those any more so I am free to persue that.

I will also investigate volunteering as a "goodwill ambassador" at one of the hospitals locally, or perhaps at the hospice in Branford.  That's kind of a haul though. 

I did get outside and get some sun.  I divided the peonies, the liatris are coming back up and the hydrangea and ornamental grasses are showing signs of life, finally.  A pussywillow plant cutting I put in a pot is growing, so I will transplant that too.  One way or the other I will have a garden!!!

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Think on This ...

Keep it [your soul] then in patience, in love, in gentleness, in kindness . . . For these are indeed the fruits of the spirit . . . And remember, a kindness sometimes consists in denying as well as granting those activities in associations with thy fellow man.

Edgar Cayce Reading 5322-1

Become part of the legacy.

Earth Day 2007

Yahoo has a feature called Launchcast music which basically allows you to program your own radio station by rating music. Every so often they throw something in there that I absolutely would never play, but after a couple of years of rating artists and songs, I get to sit here to what I consider to be a succession of beautiful, transcendent and serene pieces. I wish I could take it with me. No ads.

Here I sit listening to Tears Alone, by Douglas Spotted Eagle...a thoughtful, pensive tune with lots of silence in between the flute notes. Then Windsurfer by Teia Bell. And so on. It's dark. It's finally warm out. My cat is on the chair next to me. As it is Sunday night, there are few passing cars. Big sigh.

Today (or, rather yesterday ) was Earth Day. I didn't know it until G came outside to tell me. I was already playing in the garden. I took all those damned seedlings outside and planted them. They'll make it or they won't. Lupine, dill, parsley, tomatoes, moonflowers, morning glories (they are really mad at me), lillies of the valley, coneflowers, zinnias and I think that was it. I had to unearth a couple of watermelon-sized rocks and move them. My nails are a mess.




History Of Earth Day
On April 22, 1970, Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin started an environmental revolution. Nelson held the first Earth Day celebration in which 20 million people participated in awareness raising activities that would become the country's first organized activity for the environment. The events of that day have had a permanent impact on public opinion regarding the importance of the environment. Every April 22nd has officially been deemed Earth Day and each year rallies and demonstrations are held to educate and inform the public about our precious natural resources. To learn more, read "How the First Earth Day Came About" by Senator Gaylord Nelson.

Earth Day Home Page

My butt muscles have apparently not been getting an appropriate workout. This may be one reason I have not been losing weight. They are the largest muscle in the human body, which means they consume more calories if they are being used. I plan to use them some more. Right now they don't want to be used at all, and they are complaining. In addition, the back of my thighs are also in exquisite pain. The good kind of pain. The kind that says, "Quit whining and do ten more squats, you wuss!"

Edgar Cayce Reading

Know that it is not all just to live--not all just to be good, but good for something; that ye may fulfill that purpose for which ye have entered this experience.

Edgar Cayce Reading 2030-1

Become part of the legacy.


Greenpeace Rammed by Japanese Whaling Vessel Nisshin Maru

Read The Blog Forum about Global Warming
In Other News, Jon Steward pretty firmly nails down that Alberto Gonzalez is either an idiot or a liar

Nature Photography

The Call
Social Security called me at five of 11 this morning. We got off the phone just shy of 1 pm. I had all the names and addresses of my doctors going back nearly 20 years, and employers too. I had lots of medical records. Now the wait.
Strangely, I feel so much calmer now that that is behind me. It's one more step I've taken away from that soul-sucking machine I worked at.
It's hard to walk away from the Great Corporate Teat that dispenses not only a good salary but excellent health benefits, 401k and profit sharing, chunky bonuses and tremendous potential for advancement. The price would have been my life, and it was sapping life from me all day every day. It was already taking most of my sanity. I can't call it worker's comp because all they have to do is point to the thousands of "happily employed" call center workers. Precious few of whom like their job.
I don't mind working but I just don't work well with others. And I am sorry if you feel it unreasonable; this is a personal defect but its a rich vein that runs through my being: Don't tell me what to do. Don't nitpick and criticize me. It's a cardinal trait. I had no respect for my parents and at a certain point realized they were horrible role models. If you can't trust the people whose genes you carry, from whose bodies you came, whom can you trust? Three guesses, and the first two don't count. NO ONE.
I went for a 3.5 mile walk along the naugatuck river near where it joins the housatonic. It flooded up pretty well recently. See all the leaves and garbage still clinging to the fence? I started to get skeeved out. Global Warming may be a moot point. We might poison ourselves first.



Mmmmm wonder if it churned up all those pcbs lurking on the bottom. The naugatuck has been a dumping ground for decades, if not centuries. Everything from Thomaston down to the shore pumped all their wasted into it for a long, long time. I'll be willing to bet most folks were on well and septic for a lot of those years. It would explain some things.

I did have some phun wif de camera, and the photo editing software....so...




Last Year's Seeds




Where the walkway snakes around under routes 34/8


This is my favorite photo of the day. The original is quite large.




I thought this track was abandoned. Climbed up to get some pics. A few moments later a train ambled past.




I love abandoned brick buildings and their hollow, mysterious windows.



That's all for today!!!!

Cancer Patients Using Veterinary Medicines

Because they work and because Big Pharma can't make a lot of money on it, the following has appeared in Oncology News

Patients Using Unapproved Cancer Agent



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OTTAWA, Canada—University of Alberta researchers, led by Evangelos Michelakis, MD, have shown that dichloroacetate (DCA), added to the drinking water of nude athymic rats implanted with human lung cancer cells (A549), significantly reduced tumor size, compared with controls, and was associated with increased apoptosis and decreased proliferation. Further, there were no toxic effects, as measured by several blood tests (Cancer Cell 11:37-51, 2007).


DCA, a small molecule that targets mitochondria, has long been used to treat lactic acidosis and inherited mitochondrial diseases, but is not FDA approved. It appears to work in cancer by reactivating the mitochondria of cancer cells, thus inducing apoptosis. Because its structure cannot be patented, DCA has not attracted commercial development. But it has attracted the attention of cancer patients. According to Nature (March 29, 2007, p. 474), Jim Tassano and a chemist friend synthesized the compound and are selling it via the web (labeled for veterinary use). Another website (thedcasite.com) provides patients with information on DCA and a place to report their results. "Any way you look at this, it's a negative development," said Dr. Michelakis. His group is planning a clinical trial despite lack of industry support.

April 2007 • Volume 16 Number 4

Spiritual Law

Think on This ...

For, the error that man makes is the more oft against himself than making for the breaking of law as related to divine influence in the experience. For, love is law--law is love, in its essence. And with the breaking of the law is the making of the necessity for atonement and forgiveness, in that which may take away error to or what has been brought in the experience of the individual.

Edgar Cayce Reading 262-45

Nothin goin on but...

I do my little routine in the morning: feed the cats, get the coffee, drink the coffee, read the email, check out my blogspot, my xanga and myspace (xanga gets most of my attention lately).

Today I had a place to go; a dr's appointment. I need them to shove a tube down my nose to see if my esophagus is, as I have told them, unhappy or possibly precancerous.

Upon returning home I am overwhelmed with anxiety about nothing in particular. It's as if I am afraid of not-being. I have an appointment with my shrinker today and I am fighting the urge to take an I-don't-care pill because I want to show him how I get.

I am applying for ssdi and there is no way I can work during that time. I am so worried about money. I suppose I could do a tag sale. I could sell crap on ebay. I couldn't give this body away so selling that's out of the question >snerk<

Gonna have an Endoscopy on the 27th. On the 30th I go for implant swaps. Can't decide if I want to proceed with that or just have the plastic surgeon fix the flaps of skin under my arms and just let the rest go. Man, I have almost 2 hours to go before Dr. A. German's home. I'll go pester him.

Update

Monday, April 16, 2007
Okay folks, I am sorry.
I'm very weirded out. I don't trust my own judgment. I don't want to die. I just want to feel free and comfortable. I've made a mess of things where I worked which is probably just as well as I hate it there. I get so angry when I feel helpless.
German will support me as I attempt to secure ssdi. I am so worried about income.
I think of things like medical benefits and all that and get very frightened. I have at least 2 more surgeries coming up. I suppose I could make it one.
The alternative is to continue working here and there, and doing my best. Problem is I get truly depressed after a short while. I feel awful about that. I want to be tougher and not let things get to me. I go along and think I am okay and then something happens and I dissolve into a nervous, depressed mess again.
I don't want to give up my dream of owning a home of my own. I don't want to have to give up my car.
My doctor doesn't seem to be helping me much. Living with German may actually be hurting me, inner-strength-wise. I was at my happiest living alone in WH and paying my own way. Then I moved to another cute little place farther north in CT and i was happy there. Problem is I was heavily in debt. Hmmm. Dad bailed me out and I promptly piled a bunch more on my head...
My troubles started, of course, with a man. I flew without a net. I let him move me in with him and left my job. When he got bowled over by unresolved and ungrieved grief, I became invisible and so began my journey into hell. I had to disentangle myself from that, and like the song, it only hurt when I breathed. Then I got hit with the cancer dx and my friend tossed me out on my ear -- again I had found my own place and I should have taken it. I wound up here. A safe little place. I declared bankruptcy before the laws changed and am now solvent. I have some money.
I want to say, if German didn't care one way or the other I'd move out. I am staying primarily to not hurt his feelings. They say the truth shall set you free. I'm still scared of examining this.
Now I have put myself in a position where I can't move in exchange for possibly not having to work.
(as I write this Aida is on top of my open file drawer literally rifling through my file folders, silly thing).
The big question I have is, can I work? Can I go out there and hold onto a job for more than a year without bolting in tears and resentment? I don't know. I'm a poor judge.

Please disregard the following.

preferred suicide methods to date. i would have to spend all my money first, and that would take at least a couple weeks during which time i might end up on a locked ward. one can hope.
the ever popular "line up all the pills and take them trying not to puke." This has a tendency to fail. the hangover must really suck, big time.
plastic bag around my head, duct tape sealing it around my neck. just go unconscious, never wake up. note to self: wear a diaper.
self-electrocution. not sure how i'd do this. would need to research. probably painful but wow.
cutting the veins in the wrists. sliced longwise, but it hurts like a sonofabitch. accidentally cut myself there once washing some dishes in a porcelain sink. ouch.
the tedious routine of getting a cannister of carbon monoxide, a mask, warning signs and a safe place (for other people and animals) to carry it out.
I'm not into guns, having heard of the guy who tried to blow himself to death by eating a gun, but succeeded only in removing a large portion of his skull and some of his brain, and living. Oh and his lower jaw ws gone too.
The biggest hurdle is the kitties. They love me dearly. I'm their mommy and they live for "mommy's home."
they denied my disability claim becasue my fuckup doctor took his sweetass time getting them any paperwork. he may be fired. i may be fired. i fucking hate those people.
i might not have to suicide. one of the test for cancer recurrence came back elevated. might be due to smoking a little but we will see.


I just started a new blogring for HSPs over the age of 40 (or close, if you're close to 40 that's ok too). It's over at Xanga. I spend a lot of time on that blog. Think of it as a cozy living room with a warm fire, hot cocoa, flavored coffees, special tea. Big ol comfy couches. Blueberry scones with butter, fruit, and if you need a special diet, we can do the gluten free thing too.
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In all seriousness: I am afraid of not-being. I think that is my greatest fear. I think there is a possibility I could cease to exist, or that I never did really exist. These past 2 or 3 weeks I have been paralyzed and doing next to nothing. Then I'll have a couple days of frantic activity, then I'll spend some days in bed again. I am always frightened. Always sure something bad is going to happen. I think it just got so drilled into me that I was no good and I was going to get in trouble, or I'd be blamed for what others had done wrong that I just can't go into any situation where I am subject to ANY kind of judgement, no matter how mild. I spit on your judgment, pah! Fuck you and your summation of my 4 million years of evolution! Yep, totally out to lunch.


Sunday, April 15, 2007

Currently ReadingGirl, InterruptedBy Susanna Kaysensee related

Sun Apr 15
Dream:
Firstly, I could fly. This happens rarely in my dreams. It used to happen every single night I drank, and has only happened in the last 12 years when I have been exposed to the possibility of death.
I did go to sleep thinking I'd have to make a serious stab at suicide hahaha in order to get ssdi. hey that alone qualifies me i think.
anyway, in the dream (very broken up, scene-wise) i was charged with blessing and protecting an area where i lived. i had a little black kitten and i had to make sure he stayed inside the blessed area. i was flying way up, then down, around buildings....it was all very serious.
then in another scene my mother and sister and i were travelling in a very beautiful and rural area of connecticut where i had once lived. i was weeping that it was being all built up; it looked like a city now.
and finally i was told i must come along with some other witches/protectors, just drop everything, and get into a great big RV like vehicle. i went in and sat in what i thought was the room where all of us were supposed to go. there was a man on a cot who'd had both legs blown off and he looked like a stick. there was another, somewhat elderly man, sitting in a recliner. i asked them a question and neither one responded to me. they just looked at me. I left the room and found the other people.
the man in charge of the operation was very grim, and said i must have gone to the source of the evil somehow. he brought me back to the first room and asked if i had been in here and i said yes. it was empty. he asked me what i had seen. i told him about the man with his legs blown off and the other man. apparently they were ghosts. i blessed the room with sage, apparently not touched by the evil the others were worried about.
it stayed with me so i know i was supposed to remember it.
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Sat Apr 14
the morning glories are blooming. inside. in their little temporary peat pots i looked away for a second and they all intertwined with one another, which will make planting them oh so much more fun. we're due for some good heavy rain and winds tonight. after that the weather forecast has little snowflake icons. after that though, hopefully I can put some of them outside to harden off. If they end up in the ground I will cover them with plastic dixie cups or even glasses to protect them from the cold. i think they will make it though.
TonightRainLikelyLo 36°F
SundayHeavyRainHi 40°F
SundayNightRainLo 37°F
MondayRainLikelyHi 44°F
MondayNightRainLikelyLo 35°F
TuesdayChanceRainHi 45°F
TuesdayNightChanceRainLo 37°F
WednesdayChanceRainHi 49°F
WednesdayNightPartly

Looks pretty wet.
I sprinkled gypsum under the leyland cypress and worked it into the acid soil with one of those claw-on-a-stick gadgets, put bone meal around the bulbs, poor things, and put down some flower food in preparation for planting and subsequent mulching. The rains tonight and tomorrow should soak it all in. Got me groceries (I swear I will do something with the asparagus, pesto and sun dried tomatoes within 24 hours!!! I promise!!! ), and have been more or less hiding in bed since. The phone is off. I have no cellphone. whohoo. unreachable.
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oh yeah, almost forgot. I got 2 pair of glasses ordered today. they should take about a week. i'm so 'cited. they're way fun. my sister the fashionista police-ta is going to have a canary. One pair is purple titanium on the outside, tangerine on the inside. The other is tortie but with little gadgety things on the sides. she was too lazy to get there with me so hey, she gets to complain about them for the next year or two until I do it again. mucho dinero but i am going to live in them so....i get the ones i like.
these are plastic. the ones i got ar metal

Your Deadly Sins

Wrath: 80% Envy: 60% Sloth: 60% Lust: 40% Pride: 40% Greed: 20% Gluttony: 0% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 43% You will die, after conquering the world as an evil dictator.

How Sinful Are You?

 

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Friday, April 13, 2007
Went to the oncologist today. I've been building up a dreadful fear of recurrence, or metastasis. So many I know have put cancer behind them only to see it appear as a blip on an mri of their sternum or hip, or lung or liver. Had blood taken, made my next 3 month appt and then off to the Butt End of CT to take mom to her new shrink.
She's crazy as a bedbug. But only on certain things. Nothin' wrong with her memory, no sir. Except the parts that got made up. She's so much calmer though. She's been having the equivalent of a one-year-long temper tantrum. I really do think its supressed rage in part at...
breast cancer and treatment (lumpectomy + cmf + tamoxifen) followed by 2 heart attacks with the implant of a defibrillator followed by a diabetes diagnosis followed uterine cancer and treatment (hysterectomy and radiation) causing bleeding from the bowels and bladder followed by a staph-infected defibrillator lead, removal of which caused major bleeding and resulted in open heart surgery (we almost lost her) followed by triple bypass surgery, the addition of a new tricuspid valve and the repair of a congenital heart defect (small hole). She is in congestive heart failure. She has stents in her kidneys that must be replaced every three months. She is on oxygen. She has continual UTIs. She has restless legs that keep her up all night. her doctors put her on elavil at one point which caused a full blown pseudo-manic episode replete with 3 dimensional hallucinations having conversations with her. She had to fight with them constantly to get the cinamet (sp?) and neurontin to calm her legs down. all of this happened between 1998 and 2002. She can no longer drive or walk well. Her balance is shot.
I'd be pissed too.
NE healthcare sent over a nurse to do an Eval. Needless to say it took a long time. I walked her out and said "fixed delusions, cherry-picks her meds even when they are all sorted out for her and completely noncompliant with her diet. She roars through every carbohydrate in sight." Nuff said.
But, she is the sweetie she used to be, even if she thinks Gays and Jews caused all her problems and that her doctors were too wrapped up in being Jewish to be doctors, you know what they do to you, wink wink nudge nudge. Sigh.
I stopped at my favorite buffet and had chinese sushi (grins) anyway I like the wasabi. Now I am going to get in bed and never, ever get out.
We are to have a nor 'easter this sunday which will "rearrange the coastline" according to one of my favorite radio stations out on Long Island. I hope he's given to hyperbole.
Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

You scored as People. People are what cause your depression. They have hurt you, bullied you, isolated you, and this has caused you to form an immense hatred for them. You have built a barrier around yourself, not letting anyone pass into it. You hate them, but they are everywhere. People consume you. Please rate. People 81% Lonliness 75% Love 66% Past 66% Stress 41% Friends 41% Death 28% Family 22% What causes you to be depressed? created with QuizFarm.com

update

I've been cheating on everyone here with Xanga.

http://www.xanga.com/private/yourhome.aspx?user=butshebites

But they're driving their stuff across the river and reassembling it and I'm woebegone. So here I am.

I'm happy to report I am a LOT saner than I had been last time I posted. Work is awesome. I won one of those umbrellas so I'll be in the next ad I haven't scored a 10 yet on a call, I always fall short by just a little. I got some additional training yesterday which will help. I missed a lot being out for six months.

I dyed my hair red:

And took this pic.

I even get bad hair days. What a luxury.

The gardening is coming right along, I planted morning glory seeds anywhere they could climb, iris, liatris, geraniums, violas, astilbe, and we still have bleeding hearts and lamium (with little pink flowers). I divided the peonies as the Loki Rose is encroaching on them big time.

I still have to put in the gerbera daisy, white zinnia and blackeyed susans.

I am still waiting for final reconstruction - all I need is a surgery date. But now I have a bronchitis dammit and if I have surgery I am NOT going to be able to cough this stuff up so if they give me a date soon I don't know what I will do.

Well I gotta go drag my sorry butt to work. I texted my boss that I think I have bird flu.

Haunted Birdhouse

IT'S SUNNY!
So I will go outside and wreck my hands some more gardening...but first I want to show off my very latest little project:


and here's the other side:










Do ya think I could do this on ebay in winter? If I start now I could make a lot of them, all different kinds.

The Year of Bad Decision Making

In Feb 2004 I moved in with a man who lived in Enfield. He moved me into his house by the vanload while I was at work. I found out later his wife had only died 2 months before I met him!

I left a very good job as the commute from Enfield was too long. I took a temp position with a local company. I got sick and was out two days. They let me go. Two days before that, on October 24th, my sponsor Laurie died.

Mike was extremely annoyed with me for leaving my high paying job for the one closer to home. Hmmmmm.

In time I became "invisible" to him - he apparently was having a delayed reaction grief experience - and by December 28 2004 I moved out. I couldn't stay if there was no love. I had nothing to stay for. I left my MoonBeam kitty with him as I was afraid the move would retraumatize her and she was getting picked on by my other cats anyway. I regret that decision a LOT. I miss her terribly. I still cry.

I got my job back - the one I had left. Thank God for the miracles along the way.

I moved in with a girl from AA named Karen who was very sick. It was not a good experience. Within 6 weeks or so she had put her condo on the market and I had to find another place to live. She trashed my computer by file sharing when I was at work and she also turned into the Antichrist. She would stand in my doorway shrieking at me that I was disloyal and that I shouldn't talk to people who didn't like her. I'm a little too old for that shizznit.

I accepted a place in east Hartford with a gal named Kim and after about 3 nights there I realized it was not going to work as she had too many restrictions (don’t do this, that or the other thing) and I was being used so she could save her apartment. I couldn't even let Nini and Aida out of my bedroom, poor things! Again I had to move.

I called my friend Alecia whom I had not seen for a while and then she called me back and offered to let me live with her in her house in East Berlin until I found a place. I was actually ecstatic and very, very grateful.

Left most of my stuff in storage and moved in with her and her husband. We had great fun and I laughed every day. I felt I was healing up from all the trauma that had gone before. I felt rich with such a friend. It was like water on a dying plant.

I had stupidly co-signed on a jeep for Mike and he didn’t make payments on it. I had a friend named Moe drive me up to Enfield one day and I took the jeep and drove off. I sold it to some kid in Kentucky, but not before I had made four payments on the damned thing

I found an apartment of my own within a couple months, but then I was diagnosed with Cancer on 4/29/2005.

Alecia insisted I stay so she could care for me. I told her no initially but then relented as she insisted. I thought to myself "Why don't I try doing it someone else's way for a change?" I should have gone with my first instincts.

I quit smoking on July 4th.

On July 7th I learned that instead of chemo and a lumpectomy I had to have chemo and then both breasts completely removed and the ovaries out. This was because I had a genetic predisposition to developing additional cancer in my breasts and also ovarian cancer.

I developed a bad case of asthmatic bronchitis on July 9th and wound up in the hospital. The ambulance had to come cuz I waited too damn long and could hardly walk much less drive.

I came home July 12th and Alecia was waiting to talk to me.

While I was still barefoot and wearing the clothes I had worn to the hospital she told me I had 3 days to get out. I had no hair. I was still sick and weak. I was only a week out from my second chemo treatment. Alecia got shriller and more deranged. I called the police to cover myself as I was afraid she would throw my stuff out on the street. I was terrified and heartbroken and took my overnight bags and my cats to a hotel for the next 2 nights. The nice man at the front desk let me bring the cats in the back door.

I don't think I have ever, ever cried as much as I did that week.



I had called German, my ex husband and best buddy, and he said it was okay if my cats stayed with him until I got settled. While I brought them to him he suggested I live with him. Being as sick as I was I said yes. By the end of the month we had brought all my stuff here.

I did not tolerate chemo well. I felt like I had been run down by a truck. I had terrible mouth sores, couldn’t eat for the first half, was weak as a kitten, and spent a lot of time sleeping. The second half I had severe bone pain and fatigue, my fingers and toes hurt and I filled up with about 20 lbs of fluid. I had trouble breathing. I could not walk for more than a few yards without having to rest.

Because Alecia had tossed me out and forced me to move, I had to transfer all my care to another hospital as Manchester was over an hour away, so I went to Yale. It was not a good experience.

My time in the hospital after surgery was dreadful. I was so sick from the morphine, and all they were sending me was acidic fruit juice that I could not drink. No one would wash me. They washed only the parts that didn’t need washing. I couldn’t get clean bed linens.

My roommate had loud visitors 24 hours a day and no one made them go home.

I needed solid food after the vomiting and acid and it wasn’t until I could teeter out of bed and down the elevator to the cafeteria that I got some yogurt and turned it around.

I went home a day early.

My heart is on the ground.

Cancer was okay. I'd do it again with a will if it crops up. It's losing a sponsor, a job, a home, moving three times, losing a lover, a kitty and especially the betrayal of a friend that hurts.

I am having a lot of trouble with How To View Other Humans.

I'm not very happy with the vast majority of them. I don't want to be one either. If some of the behavior I see is performed by my species I wanna get transferred to be another species or something. Pushy piggy grabby loud selfish and insensitive...is this just because there's lead in the water where I'm living? Is this a phase in sobriety? Please tell me it is.

Cats, dogs, squirrels and birds are civilized in comparison to what other people do. I'm beginning to think my attitude should be I'd just as soon waste their ass as give them the time of day, except I would get put away for it.

I could put my head back in the hole in the ground and stop watching the news and live in a fantasy world again, where everyone is Good and sometimes makes mistakes. I was crying in one of my dreams , because I wanted no one to be beyond redemption and not to throw anyone out but it looks like it's time to redraw my Map.

I won't trust anyone ever again unless they earn it by taking a bullet or doing time for me.

Meetings set my teeth on edge because I know most of the people sharing are full of shit.

The result of all this is that I don't leave the house unless I must. I have no need or desire to be with other humans save to make my living.

I miss Moonbeam. I’m grateful for German and my job. I'm angry and unstable. I get up and grab a paintbrush and start painting a birdhouse first thing in the morning. I have to paint something. Then I go to work.

I don't know who I'll be at the end of all this. I'm grateful I had health insurance and people who love me. I'm grateful I wound up in a safe place. But what I went through to get here, it pulverized my soul and I feel like I am just doing time here until I die.

And that's why I am nuts.

sneepin

Well well....what was that line about being the king of endless space were it not that I have bad dreams? well the bad dreams are due to an excessively soft bed. Pillows are the answer. Pillows are always the answer.

Cats make sleeping difficult. I suffer from catlap upon sitting down anywhere in the house, and when I lie down I have one in front of me and one behind me so I can't move. Well I could move were it not that they weave their magick which makes me loath to disturb their furry little arses.

Lazy bums. I want their lives. Sleep in the sunshine, eat something, climb the cat condo, sleep some more, eat some more, get coo'd over and petted by some huge human or better yet, brushed, then turn in for some well-earned sleep.

When (if I am stupid enough) I come back to this planet, I am coming back as either a cat in a nice house or a 6 foot tall male. Being a short female sucks.

Catz

Wow I want another cat. I need to find a homeless unloved kitty and bring him home and love him to pieces. I just wrote the humane society about a tiger cat who has some Siamese in him. I love the Siamese. They're funny and goofy and talkative. I mean, look at this dude:


Maybe my two girlcats won't like it much but wow, I deserve another cat. People like me can't have just two cats. That's ridiculous. I hurt so bad I want a cat. I miss Moonbeam. When Alex went off on his forever walk and I never saw him again I went into such a tailspin. I was lost. I promised Ninja I wouldn't get any more cats though, she's an old lady and is enjoying her old ladyhood immensely. I got all her teef pulled and now she's perky as they get. Having a head full of bad teeth must have been sickening for her. Now she runs around and yells at the top of her lungs just to be funny.


I got Aida 6 weeks after Alex kitty disappeared. She needed me and I needed her. I didn't put her down for three weeks. She was so very tiny and so sick. She purred constantly and slept across my neck. She thinks I am her mamma.

If I get another cat, German will get mad at me and try to make me bring it back. The Big Suck about living here is Mr Wet Blanket. Okay so he keeps me out of jail. Whatever. And okay he took me in when I was desperate. sigh. Today I wanted sushi but he was a pain in the ass so we ended up at Chili's and it was awful. Tomorrow if I go out I am going out alone.

anon

The "Girlie Spot" is on the radio every night as I drive home. Sometimes I listen. Last night callers were picking a number and they would get a difficult question to answer.

One of them was, "If you knew there was going to be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do for that week?"

I would plant a tree.

You see, this sucks above all. Hope is unsinkable and it sucks. As suicidal and miserable as I get there's this part of me that is insane and thinks it will get better. Hope and Honesty don't live well together in the same house. I feel fractured, completely lacking in integrity with regard to my regard of this Life.

My head tells me there is no point whatever to this life and the rest of me keeps plugging along like the little engine that could.

I dressed very nicely today. I put on makeup. I filled the tank with liquid gold. I was on time to work. I did the best I could. The continuo was I am sad I am sad I am sad so many i loved are gone and i miss them and it hurts and i want to cry ahhhhhh too much love really will kill you. I smiled and nodded and was pleasant.

I called the plastic surgeon's office to find out how much liposuction costs and to find out how long I will be sidelined by reconstruction surgery. Can't find out til monday, doctor is out, assistant is out. I am thinking of the lipo because I think it really is better to look marvelous than to feel marvelous. Everything hurts, so it might as well look good.

German is downstairs watching a movie. I am glad he is out with his arm in a sling for a few more weeks because that means he won't let me stare at my navel for too long. Who am I kidding. I can't see my navel any more

What is a gift, really?

In his book, "Love, Medicine and Miracles" Bernie Siegel, M.D. asks his patients to ask themselves a number of probing questions. The one that caught me out was "What did you need from the cancer?"

Wow. He knows. He saw right through me, 30 years ago he knew I was going to be here with this head and this thinking.

I needed honesty and I think I got more than I wanted. It's hard to swallow. There's no going back. I feel like Neo second guessing his choice to take the red pill. blue pill. Whatever.

I got the real world, stripped of any ideals or suppositions, theories, hopes or fantasy. It is not a pretty place. I found out who my friends were and just how few they were. That was hard. I see people as they are, and I don't want to see it. It's horrible. Were my expectations really that high? Did I really think that most people are doing the best they can? Did I really think most people were interested in spiritual growth?

I have been whogging away on this thing for a couple months now and I can't get past this. The pain is endless. I can't accept this. So much hurt in this world. So much dividing people into Us and Them. I mean, aren't the natural disasters enough? Why do we need to watch eachother bleed?

What if this is all there is? What a truly awful thought. But maybe not, maybe it's a comforting thought.

I am only marginally choosing life each morning. I am not participating in any of my support groups. Not my cancer group; not my 12 step, and I don't want to try to make any new friends. I am doing brash and foolhardy things without so much as a touch of adrenaline rush. I might die. I might care. But I don't.

The only reason I don't commit suicide is because I'll be dead for most of eternity, which is a long time. So I put it off...also my cats would be really upset.

I remember watching the perfect human in the 5th Element finding out about things like war and genocide, and how it nearly destroyed her will to live, nearly killed her. Someone, somewhere, give me a reason to live.

oh beHAVE

I think of Bugs Bunny saying "If I dood it, I get a whuppin', but I dood it." I have an anger management problem. No problem with anger, I got plenty. I am waaay too old to be participating in Chicken on the highway with Great Big Vehicles. If the police see me now they'll say "Oh it's YOU again!" And if the driver of that Toyota truck sees me again he'll probably quarter panel me and drive off. Sigh.

Now I know this stems from anger at the cancer. I don't know if I'm sticking my neck out here. My Indian name would be "Sticks Her Neck Out." I don't know of anyone else who has written about surviving the trek down that road and the feelings that surface. They're big feelings, and they have to do with not being able to accept the world the way it is. Or the people therein.

I no longer participate actively in any of my support groups. I don't want to make any new friends. I don't trust anyone any more. It hurts way too much. Freddie Mercury's song "Too Much Love Will Kill You" is apropos to the way I feel. I cling to my home and my job and to German who is the one truly true-blue person in the universe that I can trust with my life.




I am thinking I will stay here. My little dream -- of having my own house with a garden in the woods, a pot bubbling on the stove and an open door for friends to find a safe haven -- all that's becoming blurry. I don't want friends in my house. I don't want to cook for people who are not really my friends. I don't like to cook. I don't want to be alone and my hands are in rough shape from arthritis. I don't like living on a busy corner in a semi-city but I can still plant things and see if I can get the birds to nest in the houses I paint.

Well that's it for now, gotta run to work. Spring is coming, that's a nice thing as always. I now have light brown hair instead of gray, and of course there is more of it. The plastic surgeon says that a couple more inflation sessions and I'll be ready for permanent implants. I'm going to the gym steadily and soon the weather will be nice enough for bicycling. I guess I am going to need to count my blessings daily. Ugh.

As IF!!!

I asked if I could go get Moonbeam back. I left her with my exboyfriend who didn't make payments on the jeep I signed for (yeah, dumb, dumb...I DID say it was my Year of Bad Decisions didn't I?)....well I went and repo'd my own jeep which meant Mike certainly was going to feel wronged. Which meant no chance of seeing Moonie again. This is moonie:


What is it with people? That the things that they don't like are somehow morally wrong, and the things that make them feel good are somehow morally right? What's up with that nonlogic? Or is that just White Trash Nation speaking?

So anyway I write this carefully crafted email to Mike's daughter Amy. She responds by saying I left my CAT with a man so that I could somehow reestablish contact with him -- much in the way a woman might leave something behind after a night of pleasure in hopes of more -- hence the title of this blog.

Uh..no.

I really didn't want to leave him alone. I really didn't want to traumatize my Moonkitten by moving her again. She's a run-and-hide kitty, and it always took her months to get over any kind of major change. I didn't want to do it again to her but I'm not sure she's safe or happy or loved where she is.

Please God let them let me come and get my Moonie back

Can I colonize a new planet or something?

My weekends suck right now.

see, I said "right now" like I still have some hope. I desperately need to let go of hope because it keeps me afloat and all around me is this endless waste. I need to just be able to give it up and sink.

I'm sick of being ugly. I'm sick of having short gray hair and being overweight and having pseudo boobs slowly being inflated. I had my nails done, at least they look nice. I want to go out and be beautiful and dance and flirt and maybe even go home with someone. I want to turn heads again. This was me before my Year of Bad Decision Making:



and you see me over there, now -------------------------->

I went to the gym today.

this blog has nothing to do with what I really want to say.

What I really want to say is I am never going to be able to go back to the way I was. I don't know how to interface with this world inside of me. It's not pretty. People are awful, most of them. They don't give a damn about anyone but themselves. I always thought people were better than that. Even those that seem caring and nice, when you push them to the wall it disappears. I don't want to be a human being any more.

Nothing helps. I even broke down and bought a pack of cigarettes but I didn't want them. I kind of forced myself to smoke a few. Nope.

I hope there is a heaven.